literature

The Buffet-goer's Handbook

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The following are the rules every person must follow while dining at an all-you-can-eat buffet.  If you do not follow these rules precisely, your left nostril may explode, followed by the rest of your person imploding.




            1.   Upon your arrival, you will probably spend several minutes swinging your arms about and looking important, as you remain unacknowledged.  Peer inquisitively about at everything you can, as if seeming confused and/or high will send flocks of servers, Maître d’s, and eager parishioners splashing to your feet in their wave-like anticipation of being subservient to you.  When you finally step up to the bar and manually approach a waiter/waitress, they will be very happy to express to you the most expensive items on their drink and meal menus.  You will tell them you wish to partake in the buffet, at which point their eyes and general countenance will instantly grow very cold upon their visage, and they will curl their despising lips at you and tell you to help yourself.  You will ask for a glass of water.  They will agree and not at all bring it to you or your table.  
Furthermore, they will demand that you pay beforehand.  You must mirror their disgust, and ask them what Bob Marley, Che Guevera or Sonny Bono would think of that.  Tell them it is oppression in worse a manner than the Holocaust; also “WTF24/7”.  
            They will not give a shit.  Go get grub and sit your pathetic ass down.


            2.  You may not have any less than two helpings.  The concept and purpose of a buffet is defeated if you only have one meal.  One must consume at least two full meals at one sitting in order to properly justify their attendance at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
           

            3.  If three or more of your servings equal one average serving, you are cheating.
If this is the case with you, and/or the following apply:
           -You wear clothes sized extra-small (XS) or double-extra-small (XXS),
           -You are an adult who wears children’s clothing, especially the type sized in numbers of 2, 4, and 6,
you must stay and eat the equivalent to twice your body weight in food.  This means you must consume approximately 3 - 5 lbs of food.  

***VERY IMPORTANT***
At this point it is extremely necessary that you follow this next rule:
           You must immediately rush to the washroom and proceed to shove your finger or something else down your throat until you vomit out your entire meal, several litres of bile, and the first three layers of flesh lining your esophagus.  
           Note: If you smoke, toss up a lung as well.
This step is so very crucial because of the horrific after-effects of neglecting it.  It has been reported, sadly, that those who did not follow this rule experienced extreme duress and psychological trauma when, upon awaking, they looked in the mirror and they discovered that they could no longer make out the contours of all or any portion of their ribs or spine.  These sorely pitied individuals have all since gone insane or killed themselves in crowded public places.
         So be sure to follow this rule exactly.


         4.  If three or more of an average serving compose one of your servings, you are very excellent, and may not even need to read this.  You are well on your way to being a champion buffet-eater in your locale.  You are also well on your way to a massive episode of coronary failure.  (Especially if you say Fuck The Plate, and use a serving tray instead.)
If this is the case with you, and/or the following apply:
         -You wear clothes sized extra-large (XL) or double-extra-large (XXL), or shop at a Big n’ Tall clothing store,
         -You feel that the slipcover thrown over cars in storage to protect their exterior makes a lovely snug nightie when holes are cut for the head and arms,
you must stay and eat the equivalent to one quarter of your body weight in food.  This means you must consume approximately 1,600 - 2,300 lbs of food.

***VERY IMPORTANT***
At this point it is extremely necessary that you follow this next rule:
          You must immediately waddle to the washroom and proceed to expel your entire meal through your asshole, preferably into the toilet, if you can fit into one of the stalls.  If not, a urinal or sink will do.  Take your time whilst you shit.  
           Note:  If you smoke, take a break between squeezes to smoke a pack or two of cigarettes.
This step is so very crucial because of the horrific after-effects of following it.  For those rarely existing people who failed to notice – through your shocking eating habits, the repulsive girth of your sweaty, bloated, stretch-marked fleshy meatsac of a body, or simply the fact that you dine at an all-you-can-eat buffet – that you are a disgusting pig, this will deter them from any doubt.  For as they enter the lavatory they are greeted with:
         a) the sweet and tangy aroma of your mighty intestines decomposing in saturated fats (the effects of which cause mustard gas exposure to seem a child’s playtime),
         b) large piles of shit resting about the bathroom in various states,
         c) one or more toilets, urinals, or sinks plugged and overflowing, sending piles of brownish-yellow, urine saturated shit clumps all over the floor and the unfortunate person’s shoes, not to mention endless streams of very unhappy water,
         d) poop and used toilet paper strewn, smeared, and stuck all over the walls and ceiling and door handles,
         e) and lastly, if they’re lucky, they’ll find you, not quite finished, in the midst of it all.  
          So be sure to follow this rule exactly.


          5. There will most likely be a pitcher of ice water on the bar, neighbored by a tray of glasses.  No matter your weight, gender, or sexual orientation, you must walk up to the bar, directly beside the water, and without acknowledging it, ask the bartender for a glass of water.  They will reach beside you and pour you a glass of this sweet nectar.  Be sure to look at the assumedly newly-discovered water and glasses, and seem absolutely bored with the whole idea.  
When you have drank that glass of water, be sure to return to the bar, standing directly in front of the water, and ask for a refill.  This is to show the shitsucking jackass that even though you are eating at a ‘self-serve’ all-you-can-eat buffet, you still are snobby enough to demand the unhesitatingly obedient customer service that any self-respecting customer deserves.  Or at least that is the sense that you gathered from sitting by yourself and observing self-respecting customers. (obviously not at a buffet)
         

         6.   Repeat rule 5.


         7.  Repeat rules 4 and 5, nine times each.  


         8.  You have aquired extra pressure.  Piss on something or other.


         9.   Lastly, you must be sure to take some food with you.  I’ve heard rumour that this is not technically allowed.  Nobody gives a fuck.  It’s all-you-can-eat.  If you take it with you, you can still eat it!  Just on a more flexible schedule.  
You must first and foremost pocket the classic smuggle food:  Dinner Buns.  Why dinner buns?  Because they’re dry.  That’s pretty much it.  If you feel the wish, you may try and smuggle caesar salad or soup, or even Jamaican Jerked Chicken, but I guarantee you it will be less than tidy.  
What’s that you say?  Even homeless people can easily come across dinner buns?  That every mission in North America gives out stale dinner buns?  
Yes, but these ones are fresh!  Considering this, be sure to forget about them and leave them in your pockets for a month or so before unearthing them.  
        If you are discovered taking dinner buns or food, tell them that your plate is too full, and you are just utilizing available space.  Like when you put an item in your pocket at the grocery store when your hands are full.  
        When they point out to you that your plate is empty and back at your table surrounded by gutted debris of disenfranchised cuisine, poke them in the eyes, grab many handfuls of whatever the fuck, and run out the front or back door.  
         Note:  During this, you must grab and flail many customer’s and/or chef’s food, for the same reason as performing the very important part of rule 4.  


         10.  Get your disgusting carcass home and dare never to return.







(This is a three page rulebook.  Please see pages 6-19 if you have any concerns about its validity.)
This is a comedy piece inspired both by my recent dinner at the Jamaican Jerk House Buffet Restaurant, and by the piece Sexually Transmitted Diseases
by ~XirtAmGoD :iconxirtamgod:.



:lol:





(This handbook was previously entitled 'Ten Steps to Freedom'; I was sued by the government when several maximum security federal prison inmates escaped after choking nine guards to death by shoving several copies of this booklet down each of their throats.)
© 2006 - 2024 BlackScarletLove
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